This month is Sexual Assault Awareness month and the UNC Charlotte campus is holding a number of events to promote this. Events include Take Back the Night on April 12 at the Belk Tower at 6:30 and a screening and discussion of the documentary “It Was Rape” from 7-9p.m. on April 24 at the Student Union Movie Theater. These events are attempts to get the conversation going on campus regarding sexual assault and to reduce the stigma that is associated with being a survivor.
For those who have had the fortune of never having to experience sexual assault, here is a short list of things to never say to a survivor:
“At least you weren’t raped.” Sexual abuse is sexual abuse whether someone was verbally abused, fondled, forced to perform oral sex, etc. Not being raped does not make a survivor’s experience any less real, it just makes it different.
“What did you expect from going out that late?” or “You were probably asking for it.” There are a good handful of people in the world I’m not too fond of but I would never wish sexual assault on anyone. Never. Nobody deserves to be sexually abused, even if they’re not a nice person. To insinuate to any person that they were simply asking to be sexually abused is called “victim blaming.”
“Why were you dressed that way, then?” This is also victim blaming. If you see someone standing out on the road in 6-inch knee-high boots and a tight skirt, no, that person still does not deserve to be sexually assaulted against their will. A person’s body belongs to them and that is something that should always be respected.
“I talked to John and they said it was just a misunderstanding. Are you sure it wasn’t just a friendly gesture?” or “Well, that doesn’t sound like something Jane would do.” A large percentage of sexual abuse survivors are preyed on by someone they know. This can include family and friends. While it may not be intentional, using this kind of language erases the experience that a survivor has gone through.
A rape joke or any joke having to do with sexual violence. When it comes down to it, rape jokes aren’t all that funny and for some people it’s actually terrifying to have to laugh along with a joke and pretend that it doesn’t affect them. I know too many people who’ve survived sexual abuse that have had to sit through rape jokes told by friends. There are lots of other hilarious things to joke about that aren’t such sensitive topics. Babies and nagging parents and difficult neighbors are good places to start.
“Women can’t sexually assault men.” That statement is nowhere near true but I hear people say it every now and then. Males have a hard enough time speaking out against sexual assault; don’t make it even harder for them.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I’ve heard several parents say this to their kids that have survived sexual abuse. I get it, you’re frustrated that your kid didn’t tell you earlier when you could have actually stepped in and helped them during the abuse. But using blaming language won’t get either of you anywhere. If anything, it will probably put a lot of guilt on your child, whether that person is still a child or is now a grown adult. The fact is, you are the parent and they are the child. Whose responsibility was it to watch out for their kid? The parent’s. Also try to realize that the reason that most kids keep their abuse secret is because of threats or pleas made by their abuser that made said kid feel guilty for even thinking about speaking up.
If you are a survivor of sexual assault, I completely acknowledge that being in that position sucks. But just know that there are so many resources out there. The Counseling Center has a lot to offer from therapy to brochures for people on how to deal with loved ones that have survived sexual trauma.
Something that I’ve been following for the past few months is Project Unbreakable, a photography project started by a student at the School of Visual Arts. It has been described as a way for victims of sexual abuse to take back the power of the words that were once used against them. While it is unorthodox, the site has seen many submissions from teens, men, and women that have survived sexual assault. To submit your experience or to view the experiences of other survivors, visit the site.
So if you’ve been down that road, keep fighting and don’t give up. You are not alone, and there is hope, as cliché as all of that sounds. The fact that you are still here is a testament to how strong you are.